I'm glad I didn't end up finding a job because that would have put restraints on his time that he really doesn't need and I would probably have had to quit anyway. I was totally going to start volunteering at a free clinic, but that won't work either because he can't watch Apple. It is strange to be a total Stay-at-Home Mom, but I'm figuring it out. I'm starting to lose my hard-steel stomach and everything grosses me out like it used to. And my emotional shell has started cracking. I'll see someone or something that reminds me of a situation from work and the loss and sadness hit me hard. It's this crazy delayed reaction and I've had to try very hard to not think about things. I get upset very easily, when 6 months ago I was completely cold. It's bizarre.
I never thought about all the implications of becoming a nurse, especially in the ICU. I didn't realize how much it would change me. And now I miss it. However, being with my girls all the time is wonderful and I love that I'm not missing a second. It's been hard, but totally worth it. I learned in nursing school about role conflict and it is something that moms especially have to deal with because they have these two awesome things they want to do, but have to choose between them and so there is a sense of loss no matter what they do. Of course I will always choose my kids and family, and I know when the kids are a little older, I will be able to go back, but I am still miss being that other person. A lot. Oh well. Life wouldn't be as fun if it wasn't complicated. Anyway. . .
Matt's farewell was on the 16th and so for the previous week, we were able to have all of our family together for the first time in a long while. We were finally able to meet all of the cousins. It won't happen again for a long time and so, of course, I lost my camera and didn't get to take pictures the entire week. Grr. We did get some professional photos done so I will put some on here when we get them. Except I don't know if that is legal. It was really fun for all of us and the girls were insanely happy to have so many playmates at Grandma's house. There are currently 7 grandkids in the L. family and 1 more on the way. Very fun. Strawberry and her oldest cousin are both very competitive, but that worked to their advantage and they loved playing together. Apple and the cousins her age spent most of the time fighting over toys and pushing each other around, but they were still devastated when everyone had to leave. Matt went into the MTC on the 19th and sounds like he is doing great so far. It was weird that my baby brother was leaving, almost surreal. It doesn't seem that long ago that Jon was leaving. Now Bonnie is the only one home and will soon be heading off for college. I guess that is not weirder than the fact that I have a 6 year old kid, but still. We will miss Matt a lot. Grandma's house feels much emptier without him.
So I'm sorry this post is so long and has no pictures. I'll make up for it in the next few. Wait, I'll throw in one of Apple and me. Mom says there aren't enough pictures of me. Or Luke, so I'll add one of him too from a year ago.
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